I think it was a Saturday when I went to the lake for a walk. The sun touched my skin, and the air was dry; the whole time there, sitting on the cool ground I wondered “why do I sit here still? Why does the lake bring me peace?”. The lake would blow at me a breeze so delightful that I would not shy my face away from it; instead, I faced it and took-on that gust of fresh air like one would do when wanting to breathe deeply.
My hair moved back and I felt as though I had returned to a boat, or that I was standing atop a hill, the wind blew only for a second yet the sensation lasted an eternity for me. The question of why that place brought me serenity still lingers. It seemed like a simple question to answer at the time, perhaps I truly knew the answer back then. Right now, I cannot begin to even attempt to answer it. It seems so complicated, just far too complicated to answer. What has changed since then?
Spring has come and gone, leaving me with nothing but rainy days of darkness and grim memories. I remember how I used to sit there, watching the ducks move from one end of the lake to the other, many called it a pond, but it appeared so vast to my eyes that I could not categorize it as merely a pond. That lake was rich, filled with endless beauty and peace. There, I spoke to myself and my Self spoke to me. He held me in his arms and kissed my cheeks till they turned into peaches.
I could not stop looking at him, his eyes and smile, perhaps he was looking directly into my heart with his piercing gaze. Was I actually near the lake? Perhaps in reality but mentally I was gone, my Self took me to my heart and showed me what beauty meant. I held my Self in my arms and felt his heartbeat breathing alongside mine, completely synchronized as one.
His presence somehow solidified my own. It is as when you have an anchor that pins you in life, keeping you there, safe from the fear of drifting away into an unknown abyss. Was that Spring my salvation? Was that old time in the past my peak, my highest form of being? Suddenly that chapter of my life ended as I remembered an emotion from my soul.
This is not what I should be doing
This is not what I want to be
This is not me
And I woke up from my dream